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by Mike Metz
Why The Earth Girls Are Easy
"Earth Girls Are Easy is a famously goofy '80s movie about a manicurist who falls in love with an alien. I've never seen it, but we stole the title anyway because A) we've got a big, awesome UFO-themed rave in this episode, and B) Taylor — poor, divorced Taylor — is afraid that Ryan thinks she's a slut."
— Mark Fish (staff writer), writer of "The Earth Girls Are Easy"
Possibly Pompously Preggers
Taylor apparently has been taking more notice to Summer's bodily functions than Ms. Roberts herself. It is Taylor who announces the possible TMZ headline: Summer
Roberts, you may be pregnant. This may be the first time in television (let alone the world) someone learned of their possible pregnancy from a fellow female friend. She then becomes the good friend, covers for Summer and makes Seth think she may be the one who possibly got knocked up. This makes Seth question Ryan when he says he has not had sex with Taylor — which stands as another thing that has never happened in the history of television (let alone the world). No guy has ever had to prove to his brother he did not have sex with a beautiful girl. Guys brag about this sort of stuff, not hide it. Either way, Taylor's rumor eventually plots Summer against Seth and Taylor against Ryan. In the end, no one is pregnant. BUT…Seth proposes to Summer…with an eyeball ring…possibly originating from a vending machine. Summer accepts. Wow, these rumor things can lead to mysterious endings, huh?
The Newpsie Pimp
Julie Cooper runs a prostitution ring. Please raise your hand if you are shocked and appalled by this news. Good, no hands. For New Years, along with her cohort, the worst tennis trainer ever, Spencer Bullit, Julie hooks all her Botox-induced clients up with Orange County Community College feminism majors. They carry on by gratuitously grabbing each other's asses in front of everyone at the Yacht Club. Just another night in Newport. Spencer promises $40,000 each for their services, which really makes me wonder whether or not I would have supported such an endeavor. I mean, honestly, $40,000 for hardly breaking the law (even though there doesn't seem to be any real laws in Newport). By selling the willing and able to the saggy skinned, Julie Cooper is not nefarious, but rather philanthropic. I call her charity Toys for the Totless. Besides, Spencer's billionaire father has his eye on Julie; before she knows it, Julie will be rich again and not need to pimp for a living. She will be Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper(again)-(almost)Roberts-Bullit. Bang.
Where you At-wood?
It took three and a half seasons, but he finally arrives: Hercules! I mean, Frank Atwood (played by "Hercules" vet, Kevin Sorbo). Ever since Ryan arrived in Newport, I wondered what his father would be like. What he looks like. What got him in jail. What his favorite colors are. Whether or not he eats pepperoni on his pizza. Important stuff, you know. Apparently he likes algebra – demonstrated by his impressive numbers work on the Newmatch books. The question remains, however: what is he really doing in Newport? Maybe he wants to make amends with Ryan, but we all know how long it took the Berkeley-bound lad to allow his mom back in his life. I cannot imagine how he'll react to news of his father's whereabouts. Does Ryan even want to see his father? I don't recall him mentioning his dad in recent days. With a new girlfriend and a happier disposition, Ryan does not need to anguish over old, covered affliction. At the same time, maybe it will be a good thing. Maybe Ryan needs a Herculean fatherly figure in his life. Not sure how his Herculeanly eye-browed Jewish father will feel about it though.
Song of the Hour
"Smile Like You Mean It," Tally Hall
Quote of the Episode
"If you are here for sex, there are like five guys ahead of you."
— Taylor to Ryan, as he enters her bedroom
The O.C. Forecast
- Seth decides to adopt a companion (from a Chino homeless shelter)
- Summer decides to adopt a companion (from a rabbit homeless shelter)
- Taylor actually is pregnant (with Henri-Michel's kid)
- Sandy challenges Frank Atwood to a fight (in Ryan's old haunt, the Ultimate Fighting cage)
- Julie offers herself up to the highest bidder (which — shocker — is Gordon Bullit)
- Kaitlin takes offense to being called "peanut" (because the carb-count in the aforementioned nut is way too high for her liking)
- Kirsten remains fishy of Julie's doings (but lets it continue nonetheless)
- Ryan meets his dad
- Metz continues to feel incredibly uncomfortable he used the word "preggers" in this column
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