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by Mike Metz
Why The Chrismukk-huh?
"The confusion in the title reflects the confusion of the characters when they encounter a world turned upside down. And this was the reaction of most people when they were pitched the episode."
— John Stephens (Co-Executive Producer) and J.J. Philbin (Producer), co-writers of "The Chrismukk-huh?"
It's a Wonderful Newport
Ryan Atwood strongly feels Newport would have been better without him. Taylor nags and nags as the duo dangerously hang on a ladder. They fall. They wake up in an alternate universe. Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? George Bailey and Ryan Atwood have a lot in common, and like his predecessor, Ryan learns some valuable lessons during his stay in New-alt-Port, California. All the relationships that truly keep balance in his and his friends' lives have run awry. Although Ryan isn't known for his sunny disposition, it appears his presence alone makes others happy. While he's at it, he finds a (slight) closure with the whole Marissa thing and can finally pay attention to the possibility of a new love. During his time in Stargate SG-1, Ryan learns to trust his girlfriend — a trait many experts, including Dr. Phil, label as an essential for a strong relationship — so he can return to reality. This is a huge step in the right direction toward future Atwood-Townsend nuptials. The angelic Ryan even convinces Taylor to finally stand up to the scudding mongrel that is Veronica Townsend. Ryan ends up waking back in the real world with a new sense of himself. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.
Wait…did Sandy Cohen just kiss Julie Cooper?
Sandy and Julie. Kirsten and Jimmy. Summer and Chester. Kaitlin and early college admission. Seth and…the Ward twins. What a wonderful alt-world it would be. Sandy as the mayor is totally believable. Julie as a philanderer is totally believable. Kirsten as a "witch" married to Jimmy, not so much (please pronounce with Borat accent). Old, ditzy Summer with Chester is a possibility (and she is damn funny as her old "that's my job, bitch" self), but sad. The irony of Ryan teaching Seth all about Summer's hobbies and characteristics is priceless. As is the thought of Kaitlin going to U.C.-freaking-Berkeley at the age of 15. Something the Newport alt-world doesn't answer, and I know all of you are wondering, what happened to the granddaddy of them all, Caleb? Although he died of apparent natural causes, does he pass away without all the Ryan Atwood-influenced drama? His illegitimate daughter may have never moved away without Ryan, which may have made him happier…so happy he would have never fallen for Julie (who Sandy took anyway) and "wanted" to have a heart attack. Think about it.
Marissa Could Write!
The letter looks like it just made its way from Baghdad — round trip, seven times. Honestly, how battered could a letter from Newport to Newport really appear? I know the contents of the letter remain a mystery, but here's my rendition:
Dearest Ryan,
I am writing you this letter because I never express myself correctly
when we talk in person. I also do not imagine they have Wi-Fi on my Dad's
boat, so this may be my last opportunity to contact you for a while. It's
been an amazing three years. Ever since our first "hey" exchange, I knew you were special. I mean, you were smoking a cigarette! Now please know I am leaving Newport for me, and only me. I just need to get out of this place. I mean, honestly the food at the diner sucks. My doctor has been telling me to get more zinc in my diet and I think the halibut can balance that out for me. Remember: "The sea is masculine, the type of active strength. Look, what egg-shells are drifting all over it, each one, like ours, filled with men in ecstasies of terror, alternating with cockney conceit, as the sea is rough or smooth. Is this sad-colored circle an eternal cemetery?" It's
Emerson. You get the point. I love you, Marissa.
Song of the Hour
"Into Dust," Ashtar Command
The O.C. Forecast
- Sandy becomes mayor of the real Newport (and pushes for the opening of more male-friendly eyebrow waxing establishments)
- Kaitlin attends a college fair (to find out what state this Berkeley
place is located)
- Taylor calls her mom a "bitch" (before upping the ante to "scudding mongrel bitch")
- Julie dials 9-1-1 (for an underage thong emergency)
- Kirsten says she loves spending time in hospitals (especially during the holidays)
- Ryan celebrates awaking from his coma (by grilling a rib-eye on his new Foreman Grill)
- Summer wears her alt-world dress in every episode
- Seth realizes his alt-world self may be more endearing than the real-world Seth (and does nothing about it)
- Metz really, really hopes Taylor Townsend is his Secret Sant-ukkah
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